In a previous Tiny Topics installment, we discussed the importance of establishing rules and enforcing boundaries with children. Today, we will expand on that discussion by reviewing a helpful way adults can hold boundaries.
Imagine someone else has complete control over your life: when and what you eat or drink; when and where you sleep or play; what you wear; and so on. This is the life of a young child. Adults are completely in charge of everything when it comes to a child’s life.
Although infants might not mind this yet, older children may become increasingly frustrated about this lack of control as their brains develop and they become more capable. It is not uncommon for children to begin to push boundaries to exert some control, which may begin soon after their first birthday and peak as they get older, between 2and 4 years old.
Offering choices is a way to give control to children as a way of reducing pushback. I am certainly not proposing adults allow children to do whatever they want. What I am suggesting is to provide choices that are appropriate, acceptable and practical within the boundary. The idea is that, while the outcome is the same, or the boundary is held, children get a voice in the execution.
For example, when it is time to clean up, a parent might say, “It is time to clean up now. Are you going to clean up the toy animals or the blocks?” Or, “It is time to put your pajamas on, would you like to put on your Elsa dress or your ladybug set?”
This is a small change that can make a big impact and should be done with a few important considerations. First, too many choices can be overwhelming, so try to offer two or three options. Ensure that the choices that are offered are developmentally appropriate. This means that a 5-year-old child may be able to decide if they want to rest for a nap, but an 18-month-old likely requires one for developmental health.
Also, the choices that an adult gives should be acceptable if chosen by the child. In other words, if “no” is not an acceptable answer, avoid asking “yes” or “no” questions. Instead of asking, “Are you ready to leave the park?,” try, “It is time to leave the park. Do you want to walk or ride on my back?”
Lastly, adults should give choices that are practical, realistic and can be followed through with.
If parents have already agreed that one parent is doing the bedtime routine that night, the parent should not offer the other parent as an option at bedtime to hold a boundary.
As another example, consider the case of a child who needs to finish their homework but has a baseball game that will end late in the evening. Instead of asking if they would rather do their homework before or after the game (which may not be practical), parents may say, “We need to finish your homework before your game tonight. Would you like to eat a snack first or while you are working?”
Offering choices is a valuable tool that can be utilized with children of all ages to reduce power struggles, build decision-making skills and support independence. Not only can it help parents feel like their children are cooperating with them, it can allow children to feel autonomous.