Although apologizing and using manners are central parts of the Southern charm for which our culture is known, they are not innate skills that children are born with. In this installment of Tiny Topics, we will discuss the benefits of teaching children how to apologize and use manners. We will also review tips on how adults can help children learn how to say they are sorry, be polite and practice sharing.
Apologizing and using manners are not just societal expectations of members in a community. These skills also have many positive outcomes related to socioemotional development, cognitive functioning and academic success lasting into adulthood. Previous studies have shown that children who have learned how to apologize and use polite manners are more likely to have developed respect, consideration and empathy for others, as well as accountability for their own actions leading to better social relationships with peers and adults.
These children also typically have better self-awareness, self-control and emotional regulation. There is additional evidence that suggests children who apologize and use manners have higher academic performance and achievement in school settings, which appear to continue into the workplace setting as adults.
Adults may have reasons for expecting their children to apologize and use manners. This could be because of family values, social pressures or other reasons. Whatever the motivation, children can benefit from learning these skills – although how children are taught these abilities matters.
An apology is meant to convey guilt and remorse from one person to another in an attempt to repair a relationship or resolve some conflict. To feel genuine remorse requires compassion for others. That is why forcing children to apologize is not an effective way to teach them how to apologize.
Forced apologies do not teach empathy, nor do they help children learn to be accountable for their actions. Children who are forced to apologize also do not tend to apologize on their own accord, meaning they generally will not apologize if an adult is not there to force them to do so. They may also outright refuse to apologize, creating a negative association with saying sorry.
Here is what adults can do instead: First and foremost, model apologies by apologizing to children and in front of children. Children can learn so much through watching others apologize for their mistakes and make amends. Additionally, in an instance where a child does something that they should apologize for, parents can focus on the child’s behavior and its impact on others.
Specifically, adults should point out what happened, how that behavior may make someone else feel, and then model how they might apologize. For example: “Look, your friend is crying after you bit them. How do you think he feels? Yes, I think he feels sad. I bet it hurts when someone gets bitten. Let’s go and check on him. Hi, friend. We see you are upset. Are you OK? I am so sorry that you were bitten. Friends should use their words to ask for something instead of biting others. Is there anything we can do to help you feel better?”
This can be such a helpful script because adults can use specific language to emphasize body language, identify emotions and teach the apology and repair process. Doing this can improve emotional recognition and accountability, leading to empathic apologies.
We can address teaching children to use manners in a similar fashion. Adults typically expect children to use manners as a sign of respect, which often is best taught with mutual respect toward children. Like teaching apologies, parents should model manners by saying “please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome” to children and others.
Children may still need some reminders to use manners, but forcing them to say “please/thank you/etc.” does not typically lead to children learning respect or increase their usage. Gentle reminders for children to use manners may sound like “Remember to say ‘please’ when you are asking for something: ‘Mom, can I please have an apple?’ And what should you say after you get an apple? That’s right! You said, ‘Thank you.’”
It can be a frustrating process to teach children to say sorry and be polite to others. While the common practice of forcing children to do so or withholding something from them until they comply is not currently recommended, as there are other methods of teaching.
Ideally, parents will model these skills, provide gentle reminders and support children in recognizing how their actions impact others. Both parents and their children can benefit from children learning how to apologize and use manners.