In our last Tiny Topics column, we discussed the many benefits of apologizing and using manners, and different ways adults can support children in learning these skills. Today, we will explore a similar topic many parents and adults find frustrating and prevalent: sibling arguing and resistance to sharing.
Outside of maintaining parents’ sanity, teaching children how to share and manage conflicts comes with several positive outcomes. Research has shown that children who are taught sharing skills tend to be more generous, are happier, understand fairness and are more likely to engage in helping behaviors.
Children with conflict resolution skills typically also have developed problem-solving skills, critical thinking, compromise and alternative perspectives, among many more abilities.
Like teaching children how to apologize or use manners, forced sharing is also ineffective. Children learn through play, using time to explore their environments and experience trial and error. This helps to develop focus, increase concentration, and foster curiosity and reasoning skills. When children are engaged with an object or activity and are interrupted by an adult or another child, this learning process is disrupted and can leave the child feeling frustrated and less than cooperative.
Regardless of the length of time a child has been engaged with the toy or task, halting their play to force them to share can reduce their internal motivation to learn. They might also develop a negative association with collaborating with others. Obviously, there are times when play must stop for bedtime, meals or other obligations, but this type of transition is different.
Instead of forced sharing, adults can increase sharing by giving children the language they need to communicate that they are not done playing and need more time. Adults can model boundaries by teaching children to say, “I am not done yet. You can have a turn when I am finished.”
Additionally, children can learn how to ask to play with something they are interested in by saying, “Can I play with that when you are done?” When children can communicate their needs and feel as though they have been heard and respected, they are more likely to share the toys when they are done, and the other child is more likely to wait patiently.
The process of learning how to share also means that adults should not allow children to guard or gatekeep toys. When children put them down or walk away from toys, parents can help them understand that they have given up that toy to allow other friends to play with it and now they will need to wait until that child is finished with their turn.
There are often instances when multiple children begin to fight over the same toy or activity. Instead of stepping in and resolving the conflict, adults can act as a guide for children to learn conflict resolution themselves. This can be done when parents act as a narrator as opposed to a referee, stating, “I see two children who are both excited to play with the same toy. It can be really frustrating when another friend wants the toy you would like to play with. I wonder what we can do so that everyone can take a turn.”
From there, adults can help children navigate problem solving.
Over time, and with patient and supportive adults, children will begin to identify problems on their own and empathically solve those conflicts with their peers. This often results in less tension and stress for parents, too.