Some feelings are big, some are even nice, while others can be unpleasant. Regardless, all emotions are valid. All feelings are OK – yes, even the big scary ones.
That does not mean all emotional reactions are appropriate, but that is another discussion. In today’s Tiny Topics segment, we will discuss emotional regulation and ways to help young children develop the skills to be able to regulate their own emotions.
Emotional regulation is the ability to control one’s own response to an emotionally charged event. Most adults would not explode with anger by yelling and throwing things if they cannot find their keys. Nor would they cry hysterically and throw themselves on the ground if a barista messed up their coffee order.
This is usually because adults have developed, at least to some extent, emotional regulation.
For a typically developing child, emotional regulation does not occur until 8 years old, or sometimes as young as 6. It is expected that children younger than that require co-regulation to calm their bodies during an emotional outburst or tantrum.
Co-regulation occurs when another person, usually an adult, helps the child calm their body with regulation techniques. Emotional regulation practices may involve taking deep breaths with exhales longer than inhalation. Adults may use phrases such as “smell the flower” for the inhale and “blow out the birthday candles” for exhaling.
Some children find it helpful to release tension by squeezing their fists or hugging their bodies as tight as they can, then letting it go and relaxing the entire body. Other children find comfort in physical touch, such as holding hands or hugging. Another helpful technique includes speaking reassuringly and validating the child’s emotion by saying, “You’re safe. I’m here with you,” or, “You feel sad because we had to leave the park. It is OK to be upset.”
Children develop emotional regulation over time when adults model these techniques during emotional dysregulation, both the child’s and their own. Equally important, emotional regulation techniques should be presented during times when a child is calm. During times of distress, the sympathetic nervous system reduces the ability to learn. Thus, the most effective time to teach children emotional regulation is when their emotions are regulated so that when they become dysregulated, they have the tools to recognize their emotional experience and work to calm themselves.
Again, this takes time and practice for brain development and learning to employ the necessary skills. It is not easy to learn or teach emotional regulation, but it is a lifelong skill that serves us as children, parents, romantic partners, colleagues and, indeed, across all relationships.